In 1999,
Mark Nokes of Wallsall, England was incredibly excited about the imminent release of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Like the rest of us, Mark had no idea just how terrible that movie would be...but that didn't stop him from
legally changing his name to Darth Vader.
His wife, Suzanne, also took her husband's last name of Vader because...well, seriously, who wouldn't do that? If you're going to be married to the Dark Lord, you might as well receive all the benefits that come along with it. Can you imagine being called up for dinner reservations...or for your turn at the DMV?
But I digress...this all leads us to 13 years later, when a rogue Jedi named
Ikbale Hare (c'mon, that even sounds like a Mon Calamari name) became convinced that Mr. Vader was using the dark side of the force to seduce his own wife,
Kelly Campbell (definitely a human).
The two men began fighting, but before any light sabers could be unsheathed, Mrs. Vader stepped in the middle of the two to try and stop a physical altercation from occurring. Unfortunately for her, Ikbale had already committed himself to throwing a punch...which landed squarely on Mrs. Vader's face.
"Heavens to Betsy!"
The resulting melee was recorded in what may be one of the most incredible sounding police reports of all time. One excerpt, which was
reprinted in the Birmingham Mail, reads in part:
"There was a scuffle involving the two men and Mrs Vader tried to get between them...The defendant struck her but, there is evidence that, in fact, he had been trying to hit Darth Vader. Hare then picked up a brick and he threw sand into the face of Darth Vader, whose wife was so worried about him getting further involved in the dispute that she locked him in their house."
Hare ran off and hid for two days before being caught and arrested. He was charged with (and pleaded guilty to) possessing a bladed article (knife, not a light saber), assault, and disorderly behavior.
He will be required to complete 200 hours of community service and be placed under strict supervision for 18 months.
Considering whose wife he punched, I'd say Mr. Hare got off pretty light.
happens when Mr. Vader dispenses justice himself.
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